selfishorbrave | [Teleios] test drive

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[Teleios] test drive

She stands on top of the temple roof and gazes over the rest of the city. The building itself is not very tall; three stories pales in comparison to other heights she's found herself at. But on top of the hill, the view is good enough to see her new location and scout out places of interest. She knows that's not what prompted the climb though. That had been because of restlessness. Because if she sits still too long, the memories start to creep in.

Her mother being shot.

Killing Will.

Her father's body lying among countless others. Tris having no choice but to leave it there.

It's bad enough that the memories come to her at night. It's bad enough that she keeps them all from Tobias. She hasn't been able to figure out what to say to him yet. Her last memories of home had been winding up among the factionless. Caleb's still back there. He's the only family she has left and it makes her think that she needs to fight harder to leave Teleios. But she hasn't. Doesn't.

Going back means seeing them. Possibly seeing Christina if she survived the simulation. Being thrust in the middle of a war again. She's Dauntless. She should be braver than this. She has to be. Someone needs to do something back home. Someone needs to go to Candor and make them and the Dauntless currently staying there see reason about the Erudite plans and convince them to help. To fight.

But here, she doesn't even have to look at a gun. Instead, she gets to stand on the edge of a building and look down at a factionless world where people seem to know, regardless, where they belong.

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Tobias knows what it's like to kill someone. He knows what it's like to choose death over disabling. He understands. After all, his power to murder someone is one of his fears. He doesn't know if he can make her feel better about it, but he does wish she'd talk to him about it.

And he doesn't care if she ever picks up a gun again as long as she's not rushing headlong into dangerous situations. If she's going to need one, he needs her to be able to use one.

Yes. It would. Her scowl beckons a hint of a smirk from him. "Pardon me for trying to make life a little easier on the girl I love." He is so used to holding onto information that actually giving it away seems awkward and unnatural. He doesn't let go of her wrist which means...

Yeah.

Well, that works and he does let go of her wrist. His instinct is to wrap her up in his arms, feet off the ground. Instead he takes a step back, every muscle in his body tense with not retaliating. The only thing stopping him is that she is still too close to the edge for his liking.

"Feel better now?" he asks through gritted teeth.

That's the thing. She doesn't need Tobias to protect her. She doesn't need anyone to protect her. Divergence aside, she's also Dauntless. And that means that she needs to be able to take care of herself. It doesn't matter that there's some small voice in her mind that reminds her how she's still keeping secrets from him. Or that, to most girls, they'd think it sweet that their boyfriend is trying to protect them.

She's not most girls. He's not most boyfriends.

Which means she's grinning widely when he lets go of her wrist. She wraps her palm over the section he had grasped. She rubs at the spot a little, not because he had hurt her (which he hadn't) but because the feel of his grip still lingers. They were both raised Abnegation. Touches mean something.

"No," she replies, purpose taking a backward step closer to the edge of the temple. "No, Tobias. You need to stop sheltering me."

Tobias thinks that she needs to be protected from herself. She's reckless with her life and he's afraid he's going to lose her because of it. Part of the reason he wants to protect her is because he does think she's keeping secrets from him, or that she's not handling the things that have happened to her well. He wants to protect her because he loves her, because he can't stand to lose her. He's not trying to piss her off or push her way; he's trying to hold onto her.

No. This much is entirely true. They'll never be most people.

Touch always means something. He touches no one else casually and he probably won't ever be able to.

That flicker of something in his eyes, that's fear because she's too close to the edge for his liking, but he doesn't move toward her or reach out to grab her. It's obvious he wants to, but he doesn't. Not yet. "Perhaps I'll stop trying to shelter you when you start talking to me and stop being so reckless with your life. You're important to me, Tris. Do you know how long I've been here without you? 4 months, three and a half weeks and about eight hours." ~~because he would know this information~~. The muscles in his neck are corded, tense. There's emotion and need etched into every line of his body, the expression on his face and thick in his eyes. "I don't want to lose you." Again is implied.

Far softer than anything else he's said thus far: "I need you."

She's only one person. In the grand scheme of things, her life really doesn't mean much at all. And she's more than willing to risk it if it's for the greater good. That's where she makes an excellent member of the Abnegation faction. But at the same time, it's where she fails. She can't see past her own narrow scope of her role in the world to realize that maybe the more selfless thing to do would be to care about her own mortality a little bit more. For Tobias' sake.

For now, though, she's still that girl who felt too selfish to fit in with the rest of Abnegation. And it's why she stays at the edge despite that look of fear in Tobias' eyes. She knows he wants her to step away but she stays there, anyway.

"You kept track." But the words don't come out nearly as incredulously as she'd like. His last three words completely silence any lingering words of anger. The corner of her lips quirk upward in the starts of a grin, brief but full of the tenderness those words evoke. She steps away from the ledge and towards him, then reaches out to place her hand on his cheek. Softly, "I'm here now."

She's only one person, but that doesn't keep her from being one person's world. Later in both their futures, Tobias will try to explain to her that sacrifice isn't always selfless. Sometimes being selfless is doing the thing that is painful, the thing that you most don't want to do. He would appreciate it very much if she stuck around for a little while, until they're both far too old to be in Dauntless.

He can't help put be afraid of her on the edge. Yes, he's projecting his fear onto her when he knows she's not afraid of heights, but he can't help it. Yes. He wants her to step away and it is an act of willpower not to reach out and grab her, pull her closer.

"I couldn't help but keep track," he confesses. He'd hated every single one of those days. Even when her lips quirk upward he's not certain what she's thinking, not certain whether what he's said is okay or not until she steps toward him, until her hand is against his cheek. He closes his eyes and wraps his arms around her waist.

"You could be a very realistic simulation," he tells her with the ghost of a grin on his face. "I'd say a dream, but my dreams have never been this good."

She doesn't take her eyes off his face as he wraps his arms around her. She can't. For all he exudes Dauntless toughness and hides behind the reputation he's built as Four, she knows there's much more to Tobias than people realize. He can be soft when he wants. Tender. Loving. Even vulnerable. He had taken her into his fear landscape and let her see who he really is. She hasn't thought of him as Four since that night. He's Tobias. He's her Tobias even if she has yet to tell him she loves him, too.

Her hand slips down from his cheek to the nape of his neck and she uses it as leverage to move his face down toward hers as she stands on her tiptoes to kiss him. She smiles as their lips meet. Tris'll never get tired of kissing him. Never.

It's a quick kiss though and as suddenly as she kisses him, she pulls away enough to rest her forehead against his. "You're Divergent," she reminds him. "And if someone's using Jeanine's stronger serum, I probably wouldn't be doing this."

She's the only one that sees the soft sides of him. In fact, Tobias hadn't known he had soft sides until he'd met Tris. He thought Marcus had obliterated all of those years ago. It'd only seemed fair. He'd been inside her head so many times, seen her vulnerable, seen her biggest fears. If they were going to have any sort of relationship (and by that time he wanted one) they needed to be on equal ground. She needed to know him the way he knew her. As far as first dates had gone, it was fairly risky, but he didn't regret it. Not then and not now. As far as he's concerned, he's belonged to her since the night Al died. He'd known then that there was no turning back for him, not with her. He belonged to her and if he was very lucky, she'd let him.

It turns out, he's very lucky.

And he's incredibly aware of that luck as her hand moves to the nape of his neck. His hair is still Abnegation short because at his core, that's who he is and her fingers prickle-tickle-thrill against his skin. He feels more than sees the smile against his lips and the kiss is far too fleeting (they all are) but he won't ever complain about her kissing him.

The corner of his mouth quirks up at her words. "You've got a point. That kiss would be much longer and we probably wouldn't be standing on a rooftop." Though he's having a hard time remembering the rooftop part.

Or, she thinks, if it had been that simulation Jeanine had used on him in the Abnegation headquarters, he wouldn't be thinking about a longer kiss. He'd think she was the enemy again and he'd be doing his best to kill her rather than kiss her. She thinks that she likes his version of a simulation better. No. There's no doubt. She definitely likes his version a lot better.

Suddenly, she doesn't want to think about serums or simulations anymore. Even joking about it starts to trigger that guilt that brought her up to the to roof to begin with. She had shot Will because he had been under a simulation and would've killed her. She hadn't thought twice about it. Now it's all she can think about even held safe in Tobias' arms.

She slips out of his arms without another word and starts to walk back towards the edge, keeping her back to him so he can't see the conflicting emotions on her face.

Her simulation is more likely, but Four has been looking at Teleios as a simulation designed to make him want to stay here as opposed to a simulation designed to make him want to kill the person he loves the most. He likes his version of the simulation better as well, but he'd rather that this wasn't a simulation. He's spent a long time not doing well in Teleios, but with Tris here he's beginning to see that they could both have a life and for the first time since he arrived here, he thinks he might want that life.

Tobias hates heights. They are the least of his fears, but they still terrify him. For Tris, he's braved heights before and he will again. He watches her for a moment, brow furrowed then steps up behind her, one arm going around her waist. He bows his head just a bit.

"Did I say something wrong?" He sounds thoroughly confused because he is confused. Flirting, dating and relationships are new to Tobias and doing it all in a situation that isn't life or death is new as well.

She doesn't stop him from wrapping his arm around her waist. She wants to, though. Tris had stepped away from him for a reason. It's because she had come here initially to be alone and the direction her thoughts had just taken reminded her of that. His arm around her waist reminds her that she isn't alone and of all the secrets she's still keeping from him. He had come clean about her parents' house being here. Why can't she do the same?

She really isn't as brave as she wants to be.

His question stings about as much as the nick of a knife would and it's enough to make her finally pull away. She shakes her head in response as she folds her arms up against her chest. "I just want to be alone."

Tobias tries to know when to push her and when to back off. His first instinct is always to push her until she breaks because beautiful things happen when Tris' breaks. He likes watching the way she wakes up, the way she seems so alive when she breaks. He knows that when Tris breaks, he can finally get through to her; she'll finally listen and that's when she's vulnerable to changing, to believing. One of these days he will have to push her until she breaks about Will. He will have to prod and push and pry until she breaks wide open.

However

Today isn't that day. He lets her pull away and nods. He's not happy about being pushed away, but she's dealing with a lot: this place, the house, what happened back home, so he will give her this. Today.

"I'll be in the rec center down the street when you decide you don't want to be alone anymore."

The truth is, he'll probably be running through his fear landscape then he'll go use punching bags, throwing knives, weights and exercise to cope with the fallout from the fear landscape. He's going to go be obsessive, Tris. Don't leave him alone for too long. He doesn't do nearly as well as he wants everyone to think he does.

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[Teleios] test drive

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